


Paradise Gxrls

by comeseetheduck



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: ADHD, Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety, Autism, Autistic Character, F/F, Gen, Genderfluid Character, Hospitals, Music, bass guitar, genderfluid!Stevonnie, punk!Lapis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-01
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-11 00:14:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5606323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comeseetheduck/pseuds/comeseetheduck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stevonnie is graduating from high school and gets a new bass guitar. You would think that those are very cool things, and they are. However, everything else is... complicated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Play the Bass Guitar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is something that I've wanted to write for a while now. We'll see how it goes (and if it goes at all.)

There isn't a feeling better in the world than hearing the light feedback of a bass guitar after you turn the cabinets on.

Unless the vibrations of a double bass against your side when you counts as a feeling? Or maybe...

No, no, it doesn't matter. It just feels really good. Top ten feelings. They're not going to worry about the other nine or the ranking of those nine right now.

* * *

They generally hadn't cared about what model of instrument they played before, but a couple of months ago they had visited one of the larger guitar stores in Keystone with Priyanka and Greg and one bass had jumped out at them. They had seen it before in [one of those YouTube viral videos](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uN3M9Dsnik), and the helpful clerk showing them around the selection of bass guitars mentioned that this was the model that one of the Beatles guys had played (they thought the clerk had said Lennon but it might have been McCartney? They get names confused a lot.) but seeing one in person there was an instant connection.

Greg, as always, had seen it first. They always tried to keep a calm demeanor and act professional and proper, but Greg knew the look that they got when they were excited. The clerk, noticing that Greg had paused with them, also stopped moving to find which bass had caught their eye in what he affectionately dubbed "The Wall". An oblivious Priyanka continued moving, looking for what might be the perfect bass for them, until she noticed that the group was standing a few yards away.

"Is this the one, Stevonnie?"

Stevonnie nearly squealed but instead tried to stand still... like a professional. (They were still bouncing on their heels, but. Close enough.) "Yeah, I think so." The clerk smiled and took down the bass, leading Greg and Stevonnie to a soundproofed room where they could try the bass out. Stevonnie was nearly skipping as they walked to the room. Priyanka watched as the clerk gave the bass to Stevonnie, and the smile on their face...

Priyanka pulled out a hundred dollar bill and handed it to the cashier and then pointed at the group in there. "Take this from the cost of that guitar. Say that it was on sale or something." The cashier nodded and put the bill in the cash register. Just then, Stevonnie walked out of the room, the guitar in a soft gig bag, and nearly ran up to Priyanka.

"It's perfect."

* * *

When the sixth period bell rang in Stevonnie's chemistry class, the students seemed to leap from their desks, frantically charging into the hallway to enjoy the spring weekend. Stevonnie stayed back a while, slowly packing up their notebook and pens, waiting for the ruckus outside to clear.

"Stevonnie, I have a meeting very soon, so I'm going to need you to hurry up a little bit."

"Oh! oh, okay, Mr. Smiley." He knew about Stevonnie's routine, and was often accomidating of that (and their tendency to spend all of class doodling instead of looking up at the board), but with the school year ending, there were more and more meetings that were occuring directly after classes. Stevonnie grabbed their bag, went through the back door, and frantically sprinted towards the band practice rooms.

The high school's practice rooms were not the best, by far. But the rooms had better amplifiers than they did at Greg's so that's where they would tend to practice. The band teachers generally didn't mind when they did, although every once in a while one would try to convince them to try out for chamber orchestra, and even though Priyanka would probably love that, they knew it wouldn't fit in their schedule right now.

And yeah, playing double bass for jazz band was fun, especially because they would have to think of new riffs on the fly for each song. But there was something about playing the electric bass that calmed them down. They would try to write long and smooth melodies unlike the quick and short notes of jazz ensembles. They could just spend hours playing the bass, and while every once and a while somebody would enter the room and try to listen, they would try to just ignore them and pretend that nobody was watching. When they heard the door open to the room, they closed their eyes, and continued to play until they felt two arms wrap around their side and an obnoxious breath into their ear. Stevonnie nearly jumped out of their seat.

"Chill, it's just me." Stevonnie turned their head up to see their vision clouded by the signature blue hair of Lapis. "I heard your bass playing and wanted to check it out."

"I don't know whether or not to give you a hug or if I should stuff you in a locker."

Lapis scoffed. "I dare you to try that." Stevonnie stood up, put the bass down, and gave Lapis a long hug.

"It's good to see you, Lapis. Too busy being a freaking prodigy to see someone like me?"

Lapis laughed. "I'm no prodigy."

"Being the best at every music thing ever kinda sorta makes you a prodigy." This only made Lapis laugh harder.

"Okay, enough about me. I love your new bass. What's she called?"

Stevonnie paused. "What?"

"You haven't named your bass yet?"

"You're supposed to?"

Lapis laughed again, but stopped quickly in order to not embarrass Stevonnie further. "Yeah, all of my instruments have names." Stevonnie sat for a while, trying to think of a name, until Lapis grabbed their wrists. "You can figure out a name later, let's go out to get Chinese food."

"Alright, just let me put my stuff away." They placed the bass guitar in the gig bag, sent a quick text to Greg telling him where they were going, and then followed Lapis out of the music room into her tiny green Bug out to the local Chinese restaurant.


	2. We are Riders in the Cavalry

Lapis was the coolest girl that Stevonnie knew. No, the coolest person that they knew. No, the coolest person ever. They would try not to think too hard about how they were friends with the coolest person on the planet, but while putting their bass into the trunk of her car, they had to remind themself to calm down, and try to not embarrass themselves in front of Lapis, otherwise Lapis will realize how not-cool they are, and then she won't to be friends with them anymore, and then who would they have to talk to about gender stuff and music and concerts and books and travelling and tell jokes to, there was still Greg but Greg wasn't as cool as Lapis and he was cool in a different way, so really they should just stay calm and cool and collected and then this wouldn't be an issue, unless Lapis secretly hated them already, and then what would they do then, that would be devastating, stop thinking like that, they're _fine_ , Lapis is cool with them, she reassures them every single time they ask, they're just getting a late lunch, and then Lapis spoke:

"You excited to graduate?"

Stevonnie let go of a breath they did not realize that they were holding.

"Yeah, it's pretty exciting. I think I might go into doing social work at the community college? It's probably going to be really hard but... I think I can do it, you know? I just really want to help people, especially in the foster care system. Especially because... you know."

Lapis nodded. A silence fell over the pair as they drove down the street, the car's engine humming quietly as if not to disturb the calm.

"So, how was Europe?"

Lapis brushed her blue hair out of her eyes. "You know, same old same old? It's kinda weird how similar playing in concert halls in London is to playing in concert halls in Kansas. Like, they look completely different, but they feel the same, with that kinda misty dust smell that I swear they like, are required by law to import into every single venue?" Stevonnie giggled at that comment. "And they didn't really let us explore anywhere. Each of the stops we got to see outside of the hotels or whatever, but it was just the same old touristy places. The Eiffel Tower is cool, but you can only see it so many times before it's... not as cool? I want to... I don't know, go to a little cafe or something. Visit a London pub during a Chelsea match. Play the accordion with one of those short Italian men in Venice. Ride a bike in Amsterdam, you know? The managers mean well, but I always feel trapped in these trips."

Stevonnie shrugged. "That all sounds really fun to me."

"Then maybe you should come with me next time."

Stevonnie shrugged in an almost aggressive matter. "I'm not good enough to get into your chamber orchestra."

Lapis sighed. "I don't know why you think that, especially when the fuckin' conductor of the orchestra is literally begging you to try out every single time he sees you at school. You're good enough."

"You _know_ how bad I am at auditions. Even if I try out, there's no way I'm making it."

Lapis pulled over beside . "Stevonnie, look at me." Stevonnie, annoyed, refused to move until Lapis put her hands on Stevonnie's face and began moving it towards her, all the while making obnoxious creaky wheel noises until they cracked a smile and the two were face to face. "Listen. I know that auditions are hard and scary and terrible. But I'm willing to help you with them, okay? They're not for another three weeks, so you come over to my house where we can practice techniques so you _do_ get in and then we are going to go into Europe and tear it to fucking shreds, okay?" Stevonnie nodded.

Lapis smiled. "Good." She put the car into park, and opened the door. "I'll be right back, okay? I have to go get Peridot." She closed the door, and Stevonnie froze in place. They thought it was just going to be the two of them getting lunch, why was Peridot coming? Had they done something wrong? They could feel the panic attack welling up in their stomach, but they couldn't break down when Peridot was in the car. She would probably tear them to shreds. They had to stay strong. They unbuckled their seat belt and moved into the back seat on the passenger's side, moving the stack of paper and art supplies onto the right side of the vehicle. They tried to not watch Lapis skip up the steps of what was probably Peridot's house and instead absentmindedly tried to play Two Dots on their cellphone, but all of their lives had been lost by the time that Peridot opened the door and kissed Lapis on the lips, her hands combing through Lapis's hair, and oh god she just saw them and they looked down and pretended to check Twitter while their face started to burn, this was a mistake.

* * *

"Hello to you too, Peri." Lapis spoke in a flustered voice, as Peridot was still incredibly close to her. Peridot gave Lapis one of those sly smiles that she was so fond of giving, but her face morphed from mischievous to concerned when she spotted Stevonnie spying on the two from the car.

"Lapis, did you really bring her?"

Lapis looked back at the car and winced. "Peri, I need to talk to you. Inside. Right now."

Peridot slowly backed inside, holding on to Lapis's hand inside while Lapis closed the door behind her.

Lapis held Peridot's shoulders and looked directly into her eyes. "Listen. First of all, Stevonnie doesn't use those pronouns, and you better get your shit together before I have to leave you here and go to lunch without you."

Peridot flushed when she realized her previous slip of the lounge. "Fuck, I'm sor-"

"Second of all, you really need to be nice to Stevonnie, okay? They're going through some shit, and sometimes you can end up seeming like..."

"A bitch?"

"I wasn't going to say that."

"I get it, I get it. Be nice."

"Do it for me?" Lapis had the art of puppy dog eyes locked to near perfection.

"For you." Lapis tilted forward to give Peridot another kiss, slightly biting Peridot's bottom lip and running her hand down Peridot's torso. She then quickly pulled away, pressed on Peridot's chest while making a "boop"ing sound, and then opened the door, pulling an incredibly flustered Peridot towards the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I doubt that I will be able to make every single chapter title a Deerhoof reference but why not try?


	3. Save up to Leave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i fuckin hate peridot on this show thanks bye

Peridot was the first to plug her phone into the unoccupied auxiliary cord in Lapis's car. She immediately started playing a song by Container. Earlier that summer Peridot had fixed the speaker system in the car, so the entire car was rattling as she turned the volume up just below the threshold of discomfort. But even as the stereo system pumped out waves and waves of sound, the car was still filled with an awkward and uncomfortable silence:

* * *

_Lapis, worrying about how Peridot continuously said the wrong things, even with the best of intentions._

She could see Peridot's hands while she drove. Peridot wasn't the best of liars by any stretch, but the easiest way to tell how she felt was by watching the ways her hands moved. Normally when she put on techno music she was trying to focus on one thing, to drown out all of the other noise that was around her in the world, and so she'd either be scribbling something on a notepad or rapidly typing code into a laptop or even playing a game on her cellphone. But instead, her right hand was fiddling with her hair, looking in the vanity mirror, adjusting her glasses, left hand slowly crawling towards Lapis's arm rest, she wanted attention and reassurance. Lapis glanced up to Stevonnie in the back, they were melting under the stress of social interaction. She promised to make this up to the both of them. Her right hand released the steering wheel, and she brushed her thumb across Peridot's fingers.

* * *

_Stevonnie, wondering about their place within this car and future lunch, and desperately hoping that they were even wanted there._

They wanted to feel really small. They wanted to just shrink and shrink and shrink until they disappeared and they wouldn't have to be there anymore in a vehicle going towards a lunch that would probably be a disaster, and they didn't really like Peridot that much and they figured that Peridot liked them even less, and they got really aware of their body all at once, and the way that their thighs looked and how the binder dug into their chest a little bit too much and how they tied their hair back this morning because they looked too much like a girl when they left it down and they didn't feel that much like a girl this morning and the prickly hairs on the back of their neck and now their foot was tapping arythmically and they couldn't make it stop, they were unraveling all at once, please please please please stop this is why they can't not take their meds did they take their meds? They looked up and saw Peridot looking at them in the mirror, and they couldn't quite read her expression? Their face was burning up and they tried to look away but they had already refreshed their phone and nothing was popping up so they clicked it on and off again and god damn it they could feel the tears welling up in their eyes and then

The car stopped in front of the Chinese restaurant.

* * *

_Peridot, sucking on her lower lip wondering if Lapis had broken skin._

She unplugged her phone, and opened the door of the car, closing it a little bit more forcefully than was necessary. In her mind, she replays the last conversation she had with Lapis before Lapis had gone to Europe, and then waited for the two in the car to get out. She never learned how to read lips, but she was smart enough to know what was happening there. It wasn't like she hadn't seen Stevonnie shaking in the back seat of the car. She thought back to the last face to face conversation she had with Lapis before Lapis's last Europe trip and promised herself that she wouldn't make the same mistake again.

* * *

_Hey, are you okay?_

_Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine._

_Look. I'm really sorry for not telling you that Peridot was coming, I know we haven't spent nearly enough time with each other, but I really do want you here._

_Okay._

_Okay?_

_Yeah._

_...I can ask her to leave, if you want._

_No, it's fine. I'm fine._

_Are you sure?_

_Yeah._

_I promise I'll make it up to you._

_Okay._

_Let's go, I'm fuckin' starving._

* * *

Greg knocked on the door of Stevonnie's room, the house suspiciously quiet. He could hear the clinking of the new bass guitar without an amplifier.

"Is it alright if I come in?"

"Yeah."

He slowly opened the door and peeked inside. All of the lights were off and the blinds were closed as Stevonnie sat on their back, playing a song that he didn't recognize.

"Priyanka called, she says that she's going to be here in half an hour and you should be packed." Pause. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

In a day that was full of different types of silences, this one was comfortable but unwanted.

"How did lunch with Lapis go?"

Stevonnie stopped playing the bass and sat up. Another pause. "I learned a lot."

"During a lunch?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, kiddo." Pause. "What song are you playing?" 

"I don't know."

"Alright." Greg backed out of the room and quietly listened to Stevonnie hum the melody that had been playing in their head through the door. He knew it from somewhere but couldn't figure it out. That night, after Stevonnie had left with Priyanka, he went into the basement of the house and started dusting off old records that he hadn't played for fifteen years. He figured the song had to be in there somewhere. By four am he was sound asleep, the fiftieth record he had played that night spinning on the end of Side A, making small and quiet crackling noises. 


	4. Baseball is Cancelled

"Thank you so much for doing this." Priyanka opened the door and let the two women into her house. "Everything at the hospital is backed up so much after that airborne infection started going around, and they need me there otherwise the whole hospital would probably fall apart."

"It's really no problem. We just love hanging out with Stevonnie, right Garnet?"

"Yes."

Priyanka had the two sit down on the couch as she put on her coat and put papers into her briefcase. "I really don't like abandoning Stevonnie on the weeks that I get to have her, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do to get the job done. I assume that you already know her schedule."

"I have it memorized, Mrs. Maheswaran, but-"

"Good. I ordered her favorite waffles this morning as a way to make it up to her that I wouldn't be here, they're in the oven and should still be warm when she wakes up. There's also Keuring cups in the kitchen if you two want any coffee to drink this morning. Is there anything else that you two need?"

"Well-"

Garnet put her hand down on Pearl's thigh and Pearl immediately stopped talking. "We will be fine, Mrs. Maheswaran. Have a good day at work.

"Call me if you need anything."

"We will."

As soon as Priyanka closed the door, Garnet turned towards Pearl. "I know what you were going to say, and I know that you were trying to help out Stevonnie, but the pronouns that Mrs. Maheswaran uses to refer to Stevonnie is something that they have to deal with themselves. We don't know if Stevonnie talked to her about that yet at all, and it's really none of our business whether or not they did."

Pearl sighed. "Okay."

* * *

Stevonnie woke up to the smell of waffles and the sound of a closing door.

Freaking heck.

They sluggishly got up out of bed, tied their hair back, and ambled down the stairway, where they saw Pearl waiting on the couch for them. "You're up! And with fifteen minutes to spare. There's breakfast in the kitchen, and I'm dropping you off at your fencing class in an hour and a half. Garnet will be picking you up afterwards."

Stevonnie forced a smile. "Thanks, Pearl."

They walked into the kitchen to pull the waffles out of the oven, also grabbing marshmallow cream from the cabinet and a knife and fork from before sitting down and spreading the cream on top of one of the waffles, and then placing another waffle on top as a sandwich. Pearl had followed Stevonnie into the kitchen, and she just quietly watched as Stevonnie cut a slice out of the sandwich with amusement and disgust. Stevonnie, eating their breakfast, noticed Pearl's pained expression and raised an eyebrow. "

"You know, that's probably not very healthy."

They started to giggle, the first genuine smile they had let out since they had seen Lapis the day before.

* * *

"You're wearing makeup today."

"Yeah, I put it on after practice. It just felt like a makeup day today, you know?"

Garnet didn't respond. She tended to only speak in bursts. The car fell into silence, the radio turned on, and Stevonnie's window opened just enough to stick their fingers out of the window.

"You should talk to Lapis."

"What?" Stevonnie nearly jumped out of her seat at the mention of Lapis. "...what did you hear?"

"I talked to Greg. Apparently your lunch didn't go well."

"Yeah... it was kind of a disaster."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Stevonnie turned away from Garnet, staring out the window. "Not really." They fogged up the window and started making nervous doodles and spirals against the glass. Garnet continued to drive in silence.

"Garnet?"

"I'm here."

"Do you think I'm a bad friend?"

"Why would you say that?"

"Because it's my fault that I don't know how to talk with Peridot and now her and Lapis are arguing and it's all my fault."

The car stopped in front of the Maheswaran house. "Stevonnie, look at me." Stevonnie turned towards Garnet, as she sighed and removed her glasses and placed her hands on Stevonnie's shoulders.

"Stevonnie, Lapis cares for you a lot, and she doesn't hate you just because something went wrong with Peridot. They have issues that they need to work out by themselves and it's not your fault. I know it's hard some days to handle everything, but you're a brilliant, beautiful individual, and you can make things work. Okay?"

Stevonnie smiled. "Thanks, Garnet. You always know what to say." They stepped out of the vehicle as Garnet pushed up her glasses again.

"It's because I'm electric," Garnet said through the lowered window, and drove away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Garnet is the best


	5. Our Duty To Repair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops

Hello?

_Hi Stevonnie. Did Pearl come back home with you after fencing?_

No, she had to go meet somebody else. Garnet dropped me off.

_Hmm._

Are you still at the hospital?

 _No, I'm at the airport. I've been called to Europe to do a conference on this fungal disease, they're getting reports of it over there and they don't know how to deal_ _with it._

Oh.

_I've already called Greg, he'll be there to pick you up this afternoon. I'll talk to you later, I have to catch this flight HOLD THAT ELEVAT-_

* * *

_...love you too._

* * *

"I don't get it, Blue."

Lapis laid down on her bed, her arms crossed behind her head and her blue-green crop top scrunched up high enough that her black sports bra was just barely showing. Blue leaned back against the wall, sitting on top of Lapis's dresser. They had shown up to do schoolwork with Lapis, as they had been doing since they met in kindergarten, but their meeting had turned into the impromptu venting session it tended to go towards (more often than not, recently).

"Why couldn't Peridot be happy for me? She knows how hard I've been working to get into this school, all of the time spent learning auditon pieces... she should be happy for me. We both knew that I wasn't going to stay here forever. We talked about it! This isn't something new. I was going to tell her after lunch, anyways. And now everything's weird and shitty."

Lapis sighed, and Blue slowly turned their heads to look at Lapis directly. Lapis nearly laughed. Even with all of the hair covering Blue's eyes, she knew exactly what that look meant.

"I know that I should talk to her, but she's not making it easy. After cussing me out and storming off two days ago she hasn't responded to any of my texts or calls. She probably has my number blocked right now because it goes straight to voicemail. And before you even think about saying that I should go over there, the last time I showed up there unannounced I ran into her mom, and holy shit was that awful."

Blue nearly cracked a smile thinking about Mrs. D, but then let out a quick gasp when they realized something. They pulled out their phone and frantically typed into Blue Diamond, the text-to-speech app they used to communicate. The voice was a little bit too robotic for their liking, but it worked well enough.

"What about Stevonnie?"

Lapis sat up on her bed, and shot Blue a confused look. Blue ignored the look that Lapis was giving them, continuing to type on their phone.

"Last time you said that Stevonnie was going to be there. How did they feel?"

Lapis flopped back down onto the bed. "I mean, the only reason that this blew up the way it did was because Peri fuckin' spilled her drink all over them, and they had to go change in the car, and then found the letter. And then Peri got all mad about it, which isn't even fair-"

"But how did Stevonnie feel about it?"

"I mean, they ran home once we started arguing. And I dropped off their bass afterwards with the leftover Chinese food-" Lapis was interrupted by the sound of her phone ringing with the sound of the Camp Pining Hearts soundtrack.

_Peridot._

"Answer it."

* * *

Stevonnie was on the couch absentmindedly playing on their DS when the doorbell rang. They looked at the clock up on the wall, and figured that Garnet must have been back from whatever secret mission she was doing, and jumped up to open the door. But instead of finding Garnet at the door, they saw Peridot.

"Hi."

They froze.

They hadn't spent much time with Peridot in the past, and while the difference in height made sense (them being slightly taller than Lapis and Lapis being taller than Peridot), but with Peridot right in front of them they felt... powerful. As if Peridot was vunerable, or at their mercy. She had tied her blonde hair back today, and was wearing an all green jogging outfit that they had never seen before. They then realized that they had just been standing at the door without saying anything.

"..oh! Come in. Let me get you some water."

They nearly tripped when they walked into the kitchen, filling up the glass slowly after they had added three ice cubes. Why was Peridot here? Had they done something wrong? They put down the water in order to dry off their hands on a towel, and then started filling up another glass of water for Peridot. By the time they had realized their mistake, they had filled the second glass, and so they awkwardly took both glasses out and set them down on the table where Peridot was sitting, and then elected to sit on a chair on the other side of the table instead of next to her on the couch.

"Is this yours?" Peridot pointed to the DS on the table.

"...yeah."

The two sat silently, refusing to look at each other. Peridot sat fully up first, and then straightened her spine before she spoke.

"I came here to apologize to you. I was kinda shitty at lunch yesterday and I shouldn't have been. Me and Lapis have... a history. And I shouldn't have taken that out on you." Stevonnie sat silently in their chair, but finaly got enough nerve to actually look at Peridot. "And! and, I wanted to apologize again for... not using the correct pronouns yesterday. That was a mistake and I'm sorry. There's no real excuse because I've been reminded before? But... I didn't think about it, so..."

Peridot picked up the water that was in front of her and took a small drink. The condensation from the glass got onto the gloves on her hand, and then she got an idea. "Stevonnie, can I show you something?" Stevonnie cautiously got up from her chair and sat next to Peridot on the couch. When they had sat down, Peridot pulled off her gloves, exposing her green fiberglass fingers. Stevonnie stared at them with wonder and curiosity. Peridot met Stevonnie's eyes, and then Stevonnie looked back, trying to avoid being rude by staring.

"This is why I almost always wear gloves of some sort, because it's hard to explain to people sometimes why I have these, or how they work, and it gets tiring and people ask bad questions about them all the time, so I try to avoid that... it's why I should really know better than how I acted towards you, and I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, Peridot." Stevonnie fidgited with their hands as Peridot placed her gloves back on. "Is it... okay if I give you a hug?"

"I guess so."

* * *

Blue sat in the same spot they had been in since Lapis left the room and had gone into the next room over. They could hear Lapis alternating between screaming and being deathly quiet, but they elected to not move until they heard a thump against the wall.

"Fucking shit!"

Then, quiet.

Blue slowly got up and peeked into the next room over, their phone in hand. Lapis stood against a wall head down, with a piece of her phone and drywall pieces on the ground. Before Blue could ask for a response Lapis walked past them into their room and almost slammed the door but then decided against it at the very last second. They opened the door slowly as Lapis sat, curled up on her bed. They walked over towards Lapis and sat next to her and then wordlessly held her close, rubbing circles on her back. Lapis laid down and Blue followed, Lapis' face resting in their chest, and then Lapis began to sob.

"It's not fair..."

* * *

By the time Greg showed up to take Stevonnie back to his house, Stevonnie, Garnet, Pearl, and Peridot were just about to wrap up an intense game of Uno that Garnet was about to win and the sky had turned completely black. When Greg rang the doorbell, Pearl welcomed him inside while Stevonnie ran upstairs to get the rest of their belongings.

"Priyanka called me midday. I had to switch a couple of things up to get the kid, but it'll be fun. Thanks for hanging out with them while I was at work."

Pearl laughed. "It's really no issue. We love hanging out with them."

Garnet nodded in agreement, but then her expression became even more serious. "Greg, there's something I need to speak with you about. Alone."

Greg looked at Pearl, wondering if he had done something wrong. Pearl shrugged at him, having no idea what was going on. Greg then followed Garnet into the kitchen. Peridot walked towards Pearl, the Uno cards discarded in a pile in the living room. "What do you think her deal is?"

"I have no idea."

Peridot stared out the window while Greg and Garnet talked. "Fuck, it got dark."

"Did you run here?"

"Yeah, this afternoon. I thought I was going to get back sooner, but... I guess I got carried away."

Pearl laughed. "I know the feeling. Don't worry, I'll drop you off. I think you're on my way back, because I have to drop off Stevonnie's fencing gear at the gym."

"You fence?"

"Yes? I also give lessons, if you want to try it. Stevonnie's there, so you'd have at least two friends there."

"Huh."

* * *

Blue's phone was on the table next to Lapis's bed, and the sky had turned from the light blue that they loved to a near ominous explosion of purples and reds. Lapis had stayed in their arms, and hadn't wanted to let go even when they had to go to the bathroom. When they had come back, they put their phone down and curled back onto the bed with Lapis while she played punk songs they didn't recognize. Eventually, the music turned into a waltz by Debussey, and Lapis put her hands on Blue's back, and began to draw little spirals. As the music played on the phone, Lapis looked up at Blue, and began to speak in almost a whisper.

"Can I kiss you?"

Blue could feel their face heating up as they nodded a yes, and Lapis slowly and quietly closed the gap between their faces. The first kiss was small, and gentle, and they could feel Lapis's hands travel underneath their shirt to their chest and then slip underneath their bra and oh my god her hands were so soft. They kissed her, nibbling on her lower lip, and then tugged up on her shirt before running their fingers through the frills of her white skirt. Lapis lifted her arms, and they pulled the shirt over her head, and then she stepped out of her skirt before moving on top of Blue. She nibbled at Blue's neck, and Blue opened their mouth to moan but no sound came out. Lapis tugged on Blue's hair when she kissed them again, her tounge looping in slow circles in their mouth. She then pulled off Blue's shirt and bra, and tossing them across the room, kissed them while one hand was laced around theirs and the other clawed against their breast. Her hand moved from theirs towards their thigh, and as it moved up towards their underwear they opened up.

"Is this okay?"

They nodded again. Outside, the sun had just finished setting, and the streaks of flaming red turned to a deep purple.

* * *

Peridot sat on her bed staring at Lapis's phone number in her contacts. It had been two days since the fiasco at lunch, and even though she had written down everything 

she wanted to say, she was still nervous. She breathed in and then out, slowly and deliberately.

 _This will be fine_ , she said to herself.

She pushed the call button on her phone.

"Hello?" God, even when she was mad at Lapis just hearing her voice made her feel so good.

"We need to talk."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updated the rating, description, everything. the story is non-linear so hopefully it makes sense by the end. i was going to make a fluffy punk band story i swear.


	6. Thank You For Coming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember when this fic was going to be mostly about stevonnie starting a band with her cool brand new bass guitar? lmao me too. anyways here's a chapter twice as long as any other chapter

On Sundays Amethyst taught drum lessons at the community college. It wasn't supposed to be a permanent thing at all; while she was still playing in the jazz band, her professor had to miss a couple of weeks of lessons for a conference and asked her to fill in. The students had loved her so much that the school let her keep doing lessons. The pay was pretty good but the hours were pretty low, but on the bright side, this gave her a chance to play the drums as loud as she could for extended periods of time. She really couldn't risk another noise complaint after the Kaossilator incident.

That Sunday, she had stayed behind for longer than usual. She was trying to get a clean run-through of all of the newest Converge album, but it turned out to be a lot harder than she expected it to. (She had never been that good at keeping a steady tempo.) By the time she started driving home, it was a deep twilight outside, the fiery reds of a sunset completely forgotten.

The stairway in the apartment building smelled like weed and cigarettes, even with the window open and the dollar store air freshener sitting in the corner. As she fished her apartment keys out of her pocket, she made a mental note to try burning incense outside of her door; why not fight fire with fire? She lived in the basement of the complex, any lavender scent she burned might make the entire building smell better. The door swung open, and the apartment was still sweltering hot and stuffy. After closing the door, she took off her sweaty shirt and tossed it onto the couch, hitting Peridot square in the face-wait, what the fuck?

Amethyst yelped at the intruder. Peridot yelped at being hit in the face with a nasty t-shirt.

"Jesus fucking Christ, P, you can call so you don't have to break in!" Amethyst was yelling, but stopped when she saw Peridot on the verge of tears. "Hey, don't worry, it's no big deal..." Amethyst tried to reassure Peridot, but soon enough Peridot started bawling on the couch, and all Amethyst could do is hug her and wait.

* * *

On Sundays Stevonnie was usually at Priyanka's house.

Their housing arrangement was kind of strange; they'd spend weekdays at Greg's house and weekends at Priyanka's house. They didn't quite know why the arrangement was like that because they weren't technically related to either of them, although their ID cards and official documents showed that they shared the Universe surname with Greg. But the two operated like parents.

Really weird parents.

With Priyanka gone on another emergency trip, they had gotten an extra day with Greg. On the drive back home from Priyanka's house, Greg had put in a strange cassette tape in the van with this kind of funky alternative rock, and their first reaction was hatred. It was too loud and noisy and nonsensical. They didn't say anything about it though, because Greg had to do a lot to be able to pick them up in the first place.

They had overheard one of the arguments that Priyanka and Greg had about money one of the Sundays that Greg had picked them up, and the two almost started actually yelling at each other until they had accidentally knocked over a vase and spilled water everywhere. The vase almost broke, too, but they managed to dive and catch it. The two bickering adults had heart the thump, however, and stopped the argument then and there. It hadn't been brought up since, as far as they knew.

There were a lot of things that they didn't know about Greg, or Priyanka, or anything, or themselves, or anything. Which is why their door was locked and they stood in front of their full length mirror in only their underwear. Just looking at themself. Just trying to figure out who they are, exactly. Their hands covered their chest, as if they were afraid to expose themself to... themself. As if they weren't supposed to see this.

_Remember. Deep breaths. You are you. You are alive. You are okay._

Stepping away from the mirror, they looked into their closet and picked out a tank top and pair of shorts and put them on before stepping back in front of the mirror. They could feel the tears prickling at their face.

_Remember. Deep breaths. You are you. You are alive. You are okay._

They weren't okay.

* * *

"Wait, you're telling the whole story out of order. What happened on Friday?"

Peridot looked down into the cup of tea that Amethyst had made her. It had taken her an embarrassingly long time to regain her composure, but once she had stopped crying, Amethyst had gotten up and started the water. It was almost a ritual between the two of them where they had to have some kind of drink in their hands before starting a conversation. She almost laughs at the drink being tea more often than hard liquor now; oh, how the times have changed.

"Yo, P!"

"Right." She had been staring at her drink.

"Okay, on Friday, Lapis comes to pick me up for a lunch out after getting back from the Europe tour, right? And I thought that it was going to be just us getting a romantic lunch, and then Stevonnie's in the back seat-"

"Is there a problem with Stevonnie?"

"Oh, no, I just need to mention it, otherwise the story doesn't make sense. Let me finish!"

"Fine." Amethyst sat back, stirring tea that had two or three grams too many of sugar.

"Anyways, we get to the Chinese place when I start getting messages about Jasper, and I have to answer them, because when you're on the other side of the world with zero cell phone service any amount of contact is important, and that's when Lazuli starts trying to grab my phone-"

"Wait, where is Jasper?"

Peridot rolled her eyes. "I don't _know_ , which is why it was so important for me to respond. She's fine though. ANYWAYS, Lazuli tries to grab my phone, and then I bump the table and Stevonnie is just soaked. So s- _they_ run to the car, and at this point Lazuli is saying that everything's bad and it's all my fault, so I go try to help them clean up. They went outside to the car, I think they had a change of clothes there, but when I get out there, they start congratulating Lazuli for getting into the Empire City Institute, and this is the first that I heard about it, and then..."

At this point, Peridot almost lost her composure, but then pushed her hair back and continued the story.

"Then we start arguing, because she told me that she was going to tell me the second that she had news, and then lied about knowing for almost two whole weeks, and then I called her a bitch and she told me to go fuck myself and then I said something I really shouldn't have, and then she stormed off, and Stevonnie had already left at some point."

"Yeesh."

"It gets worse, because today I tried to apologize, said some more things I really shouldn't have, and then she said that she never wanted to see me again and that I was the worst thing to happen to her. So I guess we're done now. It's almost funny."

"It's really not funny, P..." but Peridot was already giggling, and the giggling turned into loud laughs, which turned into screams, which turned into more crying, and all Amethyst could do is put down her tea and hold the shaking Peridot.

* * *

_Greg?_

_Hey, what's up, kiddo?_

_You said I can talk to you about anything, right?_

_Of course! That's what I'm here for!_

_Okay. Okay. Okay. Uh, well, I don't... sometimes,... uh, sometimes, I feel like I don't fit in._

_Oh. Like, at school?_

_No,...like...sometimes I feel like... I'm not from this planet. Like I'm not in the right body? Sometimes I feel like a girl, and sometimes I feel like a boy, and sometimes I feel like none of those things, and... I don't know, it's not like Lars or anything, it's just... confusing._

Greg pulls them into a hug.

_Listen, you don't need to be anything but yourself. If that means that you switch between genders or anything, it's fine, because I love you, and you are all that matters. If you want to wear nothing but suits, or dresses, or both at the same time, I'm going to support you no matter what._

_Thank you so much._

_No problem._

_...can you tell me another story about my mom?_

_It's funny that you mention that, because on Friday you were playing a melody that reminded me of her..._

* * *

On Sunday nights Lapis was usually alone.

On this Sunday, she was lying naked in her bed, next to one of her best friends.

She got up carefully in order to not wake Blue, and plugged their phone into the outlet next to the bed so they could reach it easily. Her sleeping pills were in the bathroom cabinet. She slipped into the bathroom to get the pills, but before she could, she saw her own face in the mirror. Gigantic bags under her eyes, she could see the scars on her shoulder, and she just hated all of it. Her face, her body, living, all of it. Without thinking, she started punching the mirror, left hook right hook, until all of the glass had broken into shards that were filling up the sink, shards and her blood, blood everywhere, and then she was done. Just done. She sat on the tile floor, hand mangled and bleeding, and just tried to take deep breaths. In. Out.

"Fuck!"

She tried to form words for what had just happened, but... the words weren't working.

"Fuck!"

She wonders if that's all she can say now. And if it is, how long it'll last. She can't go back to the hospital tonight.

"Fuck. Ffffffffffffffffffuck."

The cabinet was dented now, but the door sprung open easily enough. She pulled out the package of bandages and the sleeping pills. She washed her hands in the sink still full of glass before pulling out the larger shards of glass still embedded in her fingers. Her fingers still worked. That's all that mattered. Most of the cuts were shallow enough, except for one pretty long gash on her left ring finger, so she wrapped that one back up, and then took some of the sleeping pills. She could deal with the broken glass in the morning.

Blue was still asleep in her bed. Lapis crawled back in and placed her hand on Blue's chest, feeling her heart beat, and desperately trying to go back to sleep.

* * *

On Monday morning, Peridot woke up in her underwear in a room that she didn't recognize immediately. Once the morning fog had cleared, she realized that she was in Amethyst's room. Amethyst must have already left for work.

Peridot didn't remember exactly how she got into Amethyst's bed, but remembered when she had put away the tea and gone to get the rum from the fridge and started drinking. So it was a coin flip on whether or not she had tried to make out with Amethyst while wasted, and another coin flip on whether or not Amethyst indulged or not. A twenty-five percent chance she had made three huge mistakes this weekend.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> projecting your real world issues on fictional characters is totally healthy. also i promised myself that i wasn't going to make one of those meta-notes where the author apologizes for being gone because i really don't need to explain myself to y'all (it was school. it's almost always school.) but when posting this all i could think of was the song roman in moscow where nicki minaj says "i'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack" in her roman voice. anyways we'll see what happens because these characters keep on surprising me


	7. Bring Chaos To You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things get bad

Blue woke up on Monday morning alone. The lights were on in the hallway and they could still feel the stinging in their necks from the hickeys and they had no idea where most of their clothes were. Groping around the nightstand, they found their phone (plugged in, thank God!) and the switch for the lamp. _What time is it?_ they wondered, turning on the light. It was much too dark to be any later than six thirty.

They grabbed their shirt from of the floor (they'd get their bra later, when they had to leave to get ready for school. They had about... an hour and a half to get back home?) when they noticed the sound of running water coming from the bathroom. _Of course Lapis would be up already, she must be getting ready._ Lapis had always decided to try to get her shit together whenever she... whatever happened last night was called. Blue had to laugh, seeing that their underwear had been thrown to the other side of the room. Lapis had always been extra in that kind of way, but they hadn't quite expected themselves to end up as one of her targets of affection. They doubted that their recreation last night meant that they were officially a couple or anything, though. Lapis was kind of a wild child, and went in between long term relationships and short flings, and they figured they'd be closer to a short fling kind of thing- _wait._

They'd heard some sound of gurgling noise, and then noticed that the water that was running was now pouring onto the bathroom floor. What the fuck? They grabbed their phone and sprinted into the bathroom to find the door locked. _fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck._ Blue pounded on the door, and when there was no response, started trying to kick the door down. At this point, water started pouring out from behind the door frame, the sickly pink of water mixed with blood. Failing to break the door, they went back into Lapis' room to find something to break the door with. Immediately to their right in the room, one of her old swimming trophy. That would do.

Wielding the trophy like a hammer, they started breaking a hole into the door, screaming as loud as they could with their malformed vocal chords. After a dozen or so hits, they finally got through the door and could see Lapis' hand dangling from the bathtub, dripping blood. Their screams got louder as they kept on wailing against the door, the trophy falling apart in their hands, their hands torn to shreds from the splinters of wood and plastic, until they could just barely fit their hand through the door and open it from the inside. Their screams had gotten one of the downstairs neighbors banging on the door, or maybe it was the dripping water, but it didn't matter, as long as she didn't fucking die.

The bathroom almost looked like it had gone through a hurricane. There was broken glass everywhere, empty pill bottles, and Lapis, her head submerged in the overflowing bathtub. Blue ran across the glass shards to try to get to her, hoping, praying, that there was still time. They dragged her naked body out of the tub, and looked at her wrists. It didn't look like an artery had been cut, but she still wasn't responding to their cries.

* * *

_911, what's your emergency?_

_..._

_Hello?_

_..._

_..._

_Hello?_

* * *

Stevonnie was bad at high school. Which is how they found themselves spending their lunch by themselves in the band room frantically trying to do their calculus homework. They at least had their iPod with them, and were trying to figure out that weird band that they had listened to in Greg's van. They didn't like the music, so to speak, but they kept singing a weird song about pandas and figured that they may as well listen to it until they either liked it or never wanted to listen to it again. Plus, it kinda helped with the work. It was just strange and discordant enough that the things that would normally be distracting them weren't an issue.

As they worked, they noticed a shadow over their paper, and then looked up to see Peridot looking at the problem that they were currently struggling with. Peridot, wearing very strange sunglasses indoors. They paused their music, popped up their headphone, and then looked at Peridot. "Hi Peridot. I'm doing calculus homework right now for class. Uh....... how are you?" (They still weren't good at conversation with people they didn't know very well, but they managed to not ask a question about the sunglasses.)

Peridot still frowned. "Lapis didn't show up to class."

"Okay." They weren't quite sure how Peridot wanted to react. This wouldn't be the first time that Lapis skipped class.

"Have you seen her?"

Stevonnie put their pen into their mouth and started to think. "No, she hasn't been around. But if I see her I'll tell you."

Peridot sighed loudly. "Okay, thanks. I really have to talk to her." She awkwardly stood in front of Stevonnie for a while, the two of them unsure of what to do.

"Uh, I kinda have to finish this homework, so. Bye." Peridot flinched internally at their words, until they remembered that they weren't trying to be hurtful with them. Plus, it's not like she was saying anything, so... She waved at Stevonnie before pulling out her phone and calling Lapis.

* * *

_Hey Lapis, it's Peridot. I know I've called you ten times already but this is important. Please pick up the phone. I love you._

* * *

Blue hated hospitals. They felt too much like a second home.

And there they were, again, sitting on the floor next to a wall socket to charge their phone.

The doctors hadn't told them much about Lapis yet, but the doctors at least didn't seem like Lapis was past saving. She'd had only been underwater for two minutes, and the paramedics had her breathing again before they put her into the ambulance.

But Jesus Christ, this was a mess.

Their own injuries weren't too bad, but they were bad enough that they had already emailed their manager about the whole situation and got two days off work. Unfortunately, they had no idea if anybody else knew about this. They didn't have Peridot's or Stevonnie's number, and it was important for them to know what was happening. Until they had a way to connect those two to Lapis, they were the only person there for her.

And what did you know, right then walked up a connection.

"Hello, I'm Doctor Maheswaran. Let's talk about your friend."

* * *

When Stevonnie went into the band room to practice their bass, the first thing they heard was inhuman shrieking. Coming from their practice room. The noise was kind of cool, but what wasn't cool was how someone was in their practice room.

_Calm down, Stevonnie, you don't own the practice room, everyone has a right to use it. You can ask them to switch, or just use a different room. Who's in there, anyways?_

They peeked into the window on the door of the practice room to see a person jamming on an electric guitar, with a pedal board that was flashing all different kinds of colors. They looked like they could be a football player, and their hair was braided with rainbow beads. They were gorgeous and kind of frightening, almost.

Right then, the person in the room looked directly at Stevonnie and it made them almost shriek in surprise. The person in the room turned off the amp, and then waved them inside. Cautiously, Stevonnie took their bass bag and entered the room. The mystery person put down their guitar (that had so many switches, what?) and walked over to Stevonnie, who was still slowly and shyly making their way towards the braided guitarist.

"Hello! I've never met you! I'm Bismuth, and I use she/her pronouns. Who are you?" Bismuth extended her hand towards Stevonnie, who didn't respond immediately until they noticed the hand, and then awkwardly put down their gig bag to shake it.

"My name is Stevonnie and I use they/them pronouns."

"Stevonnie... where have I heard that name before... are you one of Garnet's friends?" Stevonnie nodded, and Bismuth literally fucking squealed in joy. "She's told me so much about you! And that's the new bass! Oh my god, just wait until you see this-" Bismuth, still holding onto Stevonnie's hand, pulled them towards the pedalboard.

The board had about seven different pedals on it, most of them brightly and roughly painted, but one of them had an entire rainbow of diodes flashing at seeming random intervals, and an absurd number of switches and dials on it. "I call this one the Gem Crusher. It's a mix of all types of distortion effects but the trick is that the entire feed loops on itself before going out, which is how you can make some of the most incredible sounds."

"Wait, you built that?"

Bismuth smiled. "Yep. I built all the pedals that I own. I even custom wired my dad's old Jazzmaster so that I could have more control over the pickups on it." She showed off the modified guitar, which had multiple bits of stainless steel bolted to its body.

"Wow...”

"Yeah, so Garnet was telling me that you play bass, and I've been looking for a bass player for a while to jam with and to try out these pedals on. Would you b-"

"YES."

Bismuth smiled even wider than she had been before. "Let's do it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not watching steven universe ever again until they bring Bismuth back. and don't call it a redemption arc because Bismuth Did Nothing Wrong


End file.
